I hope you have found Peace

Many years ago I was close to a great kid. I adored him. We were closer than close. He was smart, brilliant and I think that's what led him down a path he should not have been on. The bond was always there, as he once told me I was the closest person, ON EARTH, to him. BUT I couldn't walk that path with him. We stopped talking. I finished college and started my "life". He continued on at School of Visual Arts and apparently, had some demons he couldn't shake.

Each November 20th I would take the time to "think" of him and hope he would find me again, after he got his "sh*t" together. He did not. I continued along on my path and thought of him often. I "saw" him in crowds, but it was never him. He had to walk his own path and live his life in his own way. Just wish he had chosen to live it.

One day, in October, about 2 years ago, I was going about my day and I felt this overwhelming need to sit down and collect myself. It felt like the wind just got knocked right out of me. I'll never forget it. October 21, 2009.

I thought immediately of my friend. I just KNEW that this friend, who I had not spoken to since 1998, had left this Earth. I didn't know how he left this world, but I knew he was no longer here. But I chose to ignore it, because I didn't want to believe it.

I chose to put it out of my mind, because I didn't have the ability to handle it. It's hard enough losing people you love, but to lose someone who you had such a connection with.....it's like losing a little piece of yourself. I always KNEW he would find me again............but he didn't.

His birthday came in November of that year, and I thought of this friend as I always did each November 20th. Again, last year, same thing. This year, again, I thought of him and I guess I finally had the strength to face what I knew had happened - and I asked a friend we shared and I had re-connected with on Facebook.


He killed himself. My friend KILLED HIMSELF. But I wasn't surprised when our mutual friend told me this information. I was PISSED. I was P-I-S-S-E-D. That is not the kid I knew back then. That path he chose to head down, well it messed up his head and I'm SO ANGRY at him for doing that. I'm so angry at him for not FINDING ME. I'm FURIOUS that he didn't try reaching out for help from ME, the one person he felt closest to on Earth.

So, is it wrong of me to be angry that he took his own life? Is it my guilt that causes this? If I had not walked away in 1998, would he have had me to turn to when he was thinking about killing himself?

I'm sad, I'm angry and I miss him. I've missed him since 1998, but I had that hope he'd come around again...this is not how I hoped he'd come around.

I love you my friend. I hope you know, wherever you are, that I loved you. I hope you always felt it, regardless of the distance. I wish I could have been there for you so you didn't feel that killing yourself was the only answer.

You will be forever missed, Karl. Please forgive me for not being the friend you needed. Wherever you are, I hope you have Peace and that your genius mind is at Peace.